john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
