can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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