Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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