Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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