Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
