Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
