I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
