I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
