She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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