got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
