foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
its liver damage thursday
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
