Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
