just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
