My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
