Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i think i just lost a toe
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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