so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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