I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
