FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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