dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
