just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
