So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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