i love accidental penises.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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