The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
