Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
