Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
