My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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