He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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