What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
