how can u be prego again
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
