She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
