were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
