They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
