He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
