I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
