The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
