Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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