I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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