Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
