It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
