i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
