I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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