If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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