She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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