Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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