I accidentally burped into my bong.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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