I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
