accomplished twins. life is a go
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
