i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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