see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
