i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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