You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
